Today, after my Boogie Beat class, something really simple happened that got me thinking.
I was tidying everything away when I noticed two of the mums from class sitting together in the café, having a snack and chatting. One has been coming to Boogie Beat for a couple of terms, while the other only joined us at the beginning of this term.
I wandered over for a wee chat and commented on how lovely it was to see them sitting together and getting to know each other.
And one of them said something that really stuck with me:
“It’s actually really difficult to make friends as an adult.”
And she’s absolutely right.
Parenthood can be lonely
I think isolation in parenthood is something we don’t talk about enough.
You can have a wonderful partner. You can have supportive family. You can have people around you who love you. You can have a whole village behind you — and still sometimes feel incredibly isolated.
Because becoming a parent changes things.
Perhaps you’re on maternity or parental leave and suddenly you’re not seeing the people you used to see at work every day. Perhaps you’ve reduced your working hours. Perhaps your old friendships are still there, but your lives don’t quite fit together in the same way anymore.
And yet, as adults, we still need friends.
Not just people we occasionally say hello to. We need people we can be real with.
The friend you can meet when there’s snot on your jumper and you haven’t washed your hair.
The friend you can message when your child has had a meltdown, you’ve had a terrible morning and, quite frankly, you could have a wee cry yourself.
The friend who doesn’t need your child to behave in a particular way.
The friend who accepts your little person exactly as they are — and accepts you exactly as you are too.
Those friendships matter.
But where on earth are we supposed to find them?
Friendship takes time
I’ve been reading Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory, and one of the things she talks about is why making friends as an adult can be so difficult.
When we’re children, friendship has something really important on its side: proximity.
At school, we’re surrounded by the same people for hours every day. Then we might go to clubs, sports or activities with other children. We don’t necessarily have to consciously carve out time to build relationships — the opportunities are simply there.
As adults, our lives are much more scattered.
And there’s actually research behind just how much that matters.
Research by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas suggests that it takes roughly 50 hours together to move from being acquaintances to casual friends, around 90 hours to become friends and more than 200 hours to develop a close friendship.
Just think about that for a moment.
Where, as a busy parent, are you supposed to find 50, 90 or 200 hours with another adult?
That’s why repeated opportunities to be in the same place, with the same people, really matter.
Sometimes a children’s class isn’t just a children’s class
Of course I want the children who come to Boogie Beat to have fun.
I want them to sing, dance, move, tell stories, develop their confidence and build relationships with the other little people around them.
But today reminded me that there’s something else happening in the room too.
The grown-ups are building relationships.
They see the same faces each week.
Someone smiles and says hello.
The following week you sit beside each other.
A few weeks later you discover your children are similar ages.
Perhaps someone asks, “Are you going for a coffee afterwards?”
And slowly, slowly, those hours start adding up.
You might not meet your person in your first class.
You might not even meet them in your first term.
But every time you turn up to something within your community, you’re creating another opportunity for connection.
And sometimes the match is remarkably specific.
The two women I was chatting to today discovered that they both work in veterinary care — one as a vet and one as a veterinary nurse.
And they’re both huge crafters!
Seriously, what are the chances?
Yet somehow, they both walked into the same Boogie Beat class.
Creating a place where people can connect
It also made me reflect on something I’m really proud of within my classes.
Inclusion isn’t only for the children.
I want every adult walking through that door to feel that they belong too.
That’s why, when someone new joins us, I’ll introduce them to the group. I’ll tell everyone that it’s their first week.
Not to put them on the spot, but because the other parents in that room remember what their first week felt like.
They remember walking into a room where they didn’t know anybody.
And suddenly someone is more likely to smile at the new person. To sit beside them. To say hello. To explain what’s happening. To include them.
As class leaders, I think we have a responsibility to create that culture.
If we model warmth, kindness and inclusion — and make it clear that everybody is welcome — the community around the class begins to reflect it.
So, if you’re feeling lonely…
If you’re reading this and parenthood feels lonely just now, please know that feeling isolated isn’t unusual.
And walking into a new class where everybody else looks as though they already know one another can feel really daunting.
Come anyway.
You don’t have to be confident.
Your child doesn’t have to sit beautifully on your knee.
You don’t have to know the songs.
You don’t have to make a best friend in week one.
Just turn up.
Then, if you can, turn up again.
Because perhaps one week you’ll sit beside somebody.
Perhaps the following week you’ll have a conversation.
Perhaps one day you’ll grab a coffee afterwards.
And perhaps, without really noticing when it happened, you’ll realise:
You’ve found one of your people.
And for me, seeing that happen at Boogie Beat is every bit as special as watching the friendships forming between the little people in the room.
Maybe even more so.
Because as one of my lovely mums reminded me today:
Making friends as an adult is really hard.
So if Boogie Beat can make it just a little bit easier, that’s something I’m incredibly proud of.
Written by Mairi Curle Owner Franchisee of Boogie Beat Edinburgh, Mid and East Lothian